The Resurrection of Fariy Tales.

The Resurrection of Fairy Tales.

Tomorrow is the day that Christians will be celebrating the Resurrection of their savior. But what are they really celebrating? Is it as simple as a kind man being put to death and then coming back three days later, or does this go much deeper?

I have not seen enough evidence to believe that a man named Jesus ever existed, but lets say for just a few minuets that I can believe. Well as the story goes, he was born in Bethlehem to a virgin mother, who birthed him in a manger. Then fled with him, to escape his death. She raised him up to be a man, and then, we have Savior Man. "For god so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son."

God must be one petty prick. He gets mad at the world, so mad he is thinking of destroying it again. because the thousands of people he killed in the flood learned the hard way, but this one family who had to commit incest to repopulate the world did not. What gives? Don't you know how to obey laws? Oh wait, probably not. Which is why god is on a rampage. So his son seeing him seething and angry offers to come to earth.

But wait, aren't they god the father, god the son, and the holy spirit which is god the translator. So why are they all one, but three? And if they are all one then.....why was god they father willing to send himself to earth to stop himself from destroying the world, and why did the holy spirit self of god, visit Mary to tell her that she would be pregnant with god's baby? It gets more confusing from here. The holy spirit god puts god the son sperm into her belly and she gets pregnant with god the son, with the help of god the holy spirit, send by god the father. Wow.

So then Jesus grows to be a good guy wandering around preaching to be good and love. Also to leave your families like his twelve apostles, because they are not important. So we will just leave them out of the story. Fuck em, they did nothing for the tale. Abandoning your family, wife, and kids just means you love god more. So anyhow we get to the part where Jesus is about to be crucified. He goes into the garden and prays, "Father if it be your will take this cup from me." Which means I don't want to be crucified. God the father is like, nope. You went and promised, so now you get killed. So the Romans take him away.

Now Jesus was hung on the cross. He is just hanging there bleeding. God is pissed, he covers the face of the sun, and the earth shakes, and the dead get out of their graves and start walking around. Probably hoping to hear what is going on. Anyhow the cloth of the temple is split, and Jesus dies. Dead. So then to check the Romans give him a good stab in the side. His guts and some blood come out...oops. Well then he is taken to his grave site, and buried. The role the stone, and sit there. Three days later, here is Jesus again. The stone is rolled away, and Jesus is walking around. He says he has been to hell, and defeated hell and the grave. But nobody touch him.

Okay besides the flaws I picked out already here are a few more. Why would god not let his son get out of being the sacrifice, there are still tons of animals and he is not forced to kill us for thinking someone is hot? Why does god get pissed when they do kill him? You said he had to die, maybe take some blame god. Next we have the dead walking the street. Oh really. So that was not note worthy in history, but it made it to the bible. Plus not one historical story claims to bury thousands of misplaced corpses, which would have been unidentifiable. Plus not one person thought to bash a corpse?

Now we have the veil of the temple. Which was before this a scary place. Priests went in, but only sometimes came out. After all, if they thought one bad thought they got killed. No jingle, and homicidal sky daddy had killed again. But now anyone could go in. All it took was god killing himself. Yea. Simple. So now everything is different. No more sacrifices to god. Just your mindless faith for all eternity.

Meanwhile back in the Jesus cave. He was busy defeating the devil. Now earlier on in the bible it does state that the devil has to go to god, to punish anyone, but that is not important here. Jesus uses his mighty magic to steal the keys to hell. Then he locks Satan in. Not in the way that he can't get out, or stop him, but in the way where Jesus pulls a cool prank, and runs through and just steals the keys. So now Jesus is in control of hell? Or just who dies? Or he has to open hell to let you in?

So now Jesus rises from the dead. The angels roll back the stone and let him out of the tomb. People see him and start gathering. But they can't touch him. He is all a glow and ready to go back to heaven. He tells them that he will return at some time in the future, but he is not sure when. Just watch the sky. Then he floats up on a cloud and disappears.

If this story seem familiar, it might be because Appolonias, and Horus lived almost the exact life. Well Jesus had to mix it up with doing a little stealing, but now you have Easter. A holiday represented by a bunny that poops chocolate eggs, chocolate crosses to remind us how yummy death can be, and a story about a god who kills himself to make himself stop killing others. It is a happy mix of paganism, Greek, and Egyptian mythology, coated in delicious chocolate for everyone. Peter cotton tale is just the Pagan symbol of fertility, and the flowers represent spring and rebirth. But Happy Easter everyone. Long live the zombie King.