Why I am thinking of leaving activism.

I must say, the last year or so has been a wild ride. Meeting so many wonderful people, getting so many hugs, showing and being shown so much love. It warms the heart, it makes me proud and feel like this is what life should be. Lately though, those feelings have turned to a kind of sadness that I just can't explain. One that haunts and disturbs me.

When I first came into activism, it was just a passion. One girl with a blog, a vocabulary that was utterly passionate, and a dream. I was charged, and madly, deeply driven by passion I had gotten from the likes of Dawkins and Hitchens. I could see the way I wanted life to be, and how oppressive religion was, how it tore men down and broke their spirits, and destroyed the very natural fabric of man.

Now almost two years later, I sit at my kitchen table thinking, how do I go on? How can I do this, when the fire is dying inside. I don't feel inspired, worst of al I don't even feel like writing, or doing a podcast or standing on stage telling people what I know, and why?

Well you are the answer. Not the supportive people and those who debate me with intellect and ressiliance in a good manner. No, for you I would fight my way through fire to save you. I would stand by you through the worst. I would rise to any occasion and be there, like a champion for you and with you. Even if everything else that there is, we disagree on, because you have principles and you stand for something good.

See, I am a humanist first and foremost. I have said this from the beginning. My world reflects it, and I often smile to see the names and faces from around the world as people who are very oppressed look for a champion.Not saying that I am the best, but I am there. I believe that where you find religion, you find oppression. That home is not the only place for concern, but that we should speak up about tragedies all over the world.

Lately, though, I have seen more and more of the people with not enough information, but a lot of hate and anger flock my way, and I think, what are you looking for? They are dogmatic, and not about gods, but everything else. Then they assume I must be too. Which show they didn't read my about page, they don't know me, and worst of all they want to change me to be them.

I hear things in my inbox almost every day that make me uncomfortable. I have given people a pass when they have crossed lines I don't want crossed. I have stood up for men, only to be accused of bashing men. I have stood up for feminism only to be told that I am not feminist enough. I have stood up for socialism only to be told, no, you should be a Libertarian, well, I am not and never will be. I have been called ugly, fat, big nosed. I have been told how I should stick to my race. I have been called stupid, told that I need more education, and that I am wrong about, well, everything.

I find myself wondering what I am doing any and all of this for, because, lately it is all I can do to do this. I don't want to post, I don't want to say anything, and most of the time I get made so angry it spills into my private life. Most of the time I am wondering what I am doing here.

I didn't become an activist for me, I did it for the people. To be a voice for those who can't risk it. But now comes the people with their ideas of who  should be to suit them. Though I have said it many times, no one seems to be listening. We may not agree on many things, but the one thing we do is good enough. Don't come to my wall, my home and insult me, and treat me as your punching bag, because you don't matter enough that I have to take it from you. In fact my life is more important to me than a strangers thoughts and opinions of it and quite frankly, lately those reek of something akin to religion. That insults me and it should insult you as well.

There is the war in atheism, between the ultra fems and the rest. There are the anti science when it comes to women, there are the anti science when it goes against what you personally want to believe. There are those who think they have the right to boss other activists around, and the minorities who feel like they are not welcomed because they are still minorities and people are still stuck in the mentality like we shouldn't notice that they are minorities.

Atheism has become a disorganized mess. Why, because you tried to jam all your dogmas into it, but not see the potential of it. It is one thing to organize movements in a movement, it is another to expect your every whim to be a movement.

I have never seen things as deplorable as I have lately, especially with the resentment of my personal life and choices. I am not going to ask, how dare you, because I don't care. You just need to get out of my face and crawl back under your rock.

I side with monorities, because I am part minority. I feel more comfortable with the black atheists, with the ones who say they don't really have a voice. Because I am native American, and trust me, we don't have a voice in atheism. Plus, I am and have always been a person to stand with the oppressed. And they are oppressed.

I don't get what has gone wrong with atheism. It means no gods, and everything else you do, is all on you, but don't dare put that on me. I am not willing to accept your bullshit.

To all those who have cared, and laughed with me. To those who have said I inspired you, keep being inspired. To those who have embraced me, thank you. To those who see the potential in me, thank you. To those who are out there fighting the good fight every day, thank you. For those who lift me up, thank you. I love you all, you are my heart and the blood that flows in it.

I think it is time for me to write my books, to take some time and enjoy life and just move forward. I think maybe it might be better, because every day now it feels worse.

Maybe I just need time, maybe not. But I sure can't go on like this much longer. Trust me, either way I would walk away, but in one case, I would walk away and never come back. So I have the next month for thinking. Because this might be the end of the Godless Vagina.

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