Love, Faith, Apathy. Why we work so hard at failing.

When I was eighteen I first made love with a man ten years my senior, and his love was jaded. I saw this, and it ached in me. My one promise to myself was that Ii would never let myself become that person lost to love and unwilling to reach out. Flash forward to the present and now I advise others on the risks to take, the chances to make and pull them back from the fear that binds them. Beautiful people, like flowers blooming, afraid to display all the beauty in their hearts.

One of the hardest things for people to overcome is loss, it is inevitable in life, yet it is the one thing that we can't openly express enough. Love is more than just an emotion, it is a bond, a connection between people that lives in their minds, memories intact. It is a complex amalgam of chemicals, which produce emotions, an need, a desire, and it is not easy to explain in its entirety.

But the down side of love is the loss, which has actually made people lose their will to live. I will never forget my grandmothers stories. One of my grandmothers refused to remarry after my grandfather died, she said she was someones wife, and that was all she ever wanted to be for her lifetime. My other grandmother, stricken with Alzheimer's, figured out that my grandfather had passed away before her. On one of her more coherent days she went to what was his room in the same nursing home, in the same ward, right across the hall, only to discover him gone. She lived for almost a year before this, after she knew he was gone, she refused to eat, or drink, and slowly wasted away.

For some people, the loss brings apathy, and unfortunately, fear, pain, and so many other hard and devastating emotions. Even if the love was toxic. Since most people find love relative to what they know. The loss they suffer is equal to a death, it is a tragedy. Suddenly your best friend, you lover, your companion and beloved is a stranger, is gone, they move on with a complete separate life. You become irrelevant, unwanted, unneeded and an outcast.

This can be overwhelming to people to the point of suicide, it can be the worst pain and tragedy of someones life, so no wonder why it is felt so badly. It often becomes the reason that people never move on from that loss state. When someone dies we bury them, or have a ritual in which we let them go, we grieve, and we deal with the loss so we can heal. Divorce and moving out don't come close to this, and in love, unlike death, there can be reasons far from our understanding.

Shouldn't we take time out though and grieve, and suffer the loss, feel the pain. Friends often say to get over it, move on, look for another love, but this show how ill equipped to deal with this loos we are. When what we should be doing is listening. What the one facing the loss of love should be doing is grieving, letting out the pain, dealing with the betrayal and the loss, what ever it was that happened.

Love is hard, and has always been on us. Not one of us gets through life not having faced the pain love brings, even if the lucky ones are loved for a lifetime. That doesn't mean apathy should have a place in love. Nor does faith, because faith assumes, and when it comes to love, you just can't assume anything. This can actually lead to more hardships and loss.

Love is a beautiful thing, when people are in love they have and do do amazing things. Love is always what we define it as, and how we see it. Love can be different from person to person. You know when you love someone though. A few moments without them seems like forever, you want to be around them, smell them, feel them and not have too long without them. Many people who have become jaded by the loss of prior love forget this, and inevitably treat someone like they never deserved to be treated. In fact many people do have a rebound person.

While this is the nature and norm of love and loss, we have to look at why it goes wrong. When you shut down that person inside of you who can reach out and be kind and caring, and feel all of those emotions, you close the door on the possibility of love.

Lately I have gotten into some relationships, if you will, where the guys are still shut off. They don't take time to text or call, they don't make women feel like a part of their life or world, they bring their pain and jaded hearts to my door, where my heart tries to be the glue in the cracks. That quickly fails, because no one can heal you, you have to heal yourself.

I won't stop trying to help where I can, but I can't and won't live my life waiting for love to happen, having some kind of pathetic faith in the cause, and nor should you.  The difference in that person who is loving, and being loved, and where you are is their ability to not see where it will lead, but let their passion and emotions take them to where they want to be.

Love does not have to be a poison, after all, we do get beautiful memories out of it. We do laugh and enjoy, and even though we have lost loved ones, the things we shared and the memories of the goof times remain. We know that we once shared a secret and beautiful part of someone life, and that should be treasured and remembered, so if it is letting go you need to do, remind yourself why you need to let them go. Because the person you loved is no longer there, and they don't exist. Like a dream you woke up from, the love has vaporized and they need to live and love on. Like the bloom of the rose, it is beautiful and worth celebrating while you have it.