Taking control of your atheist sexuality
Taking control of your atheist
sexuality:
The Myth of Monogamy
Many
atheists come from religious backgrounds, though there are a few amongst us
that don’t (lucky people). While we would all like to believe that society has
not had profound effects on our thoughts about who we are as human beings, and
sexual beings, it doesn’t make it true. Society has a way of sending both
obvious and subliminal messages.
I am here to help you get a closer perspective on who
you are as a sexual being, break some of the stereo types playing in your
heads, and give you the ability, to give yourself permission to be the sexual being
you choose yourself to be.
From the
time you were a small child you began to look at the world, and yourself, as
whom you were taught by your parents, society, and our culture. Many women were
socialized a specific way, with the virgin/ whore dichotomy, while men were
socialized different. They were taught to be sexual, and virile. We are going
to address those differences, and ask all the important questions again.
Who are you as a sexual being? Science has a lot to say about the
history of sex among human beings. We were not monogamous sexually, many of
those biological adaptations for non-monogamous sex have survived into modern
day, mainly because they never stopped being true. People did not become
monogamous at the point of agricultural development, nor are they today. Yet
our society perpetuates the myth of monogamy.
Now, that
doesn’t mean that all of us are non-monogamous, that does not mean we can’t
choose monogamy. It means that the default setting on human behavior is to have
many partners, to find sex exciting, and to enjoy sex.
Society,
however, has been tampering with nature for close to 12,000 years. Women have
been taught that they are supposed to be virginal, monogamous, dull, quiet
sexual creatures. While men are taught that they are conquers of women, and the
more women they sleep with, the more sexually vibrant, attractive, and healthy
males they are. This is within the second myth of sex in society. The myth of
heterosexuality being the default position in human sexuality. We will come back to that myth shortly.
For women the
two dichotomies given to us by the Abrahamic religions are the virgin, and the
whore. Meanwhile males are immune to this impunement of their sexual being, as
long as they don’t violate the second myth.
Now, to
address what the primary myth does to women, and society, especially our society.
It has a lot of lingering effects we often don’t like to admit as atheists.
Leaving religion does not mean we instantly leave the guilt and shame that were
placed on us from our primary teachers. When it comes to religion, I have
heard it reiterated again and again that Christians are far more sexual than we
say. Those catholic girls are easy, and wild. That lasts for a short time, and
any man who has been with a religious woman long enough knows full well the
guilt finally catches up. Some women never make it too far before the guilt is
there. Women are taught to be guilty for their needs, guilty for their desires,
and guilty about their bodies, from birth.
The primary
myth places a heavy burden on women, one that blames them for not only their
behavior but that of men as well. How
many of us were told that it is our beauty that makes men weak. How many of us
were taught to cover our bodies, that certain clothes would make us look
trashy, easy, or slutty. When it comes
to how we should be seen, we need look no further than every princess story
ever told. It shows a girl too beautiful to be resisted, jealousy by other
women, and ultimately, what the man wants is a virginal beauty that he can
possess and own.
How many
times have you heard men say, “She’s not the kind of girl you take home to your
mother?” Words like easy, whore, slut, tramp, harlot, skank, are part of our
society. Even the reference to a female breeding dog, or Bitch are words used
to describe women who refuse to conform to societies standards of virginal
womanhood.
In the
stories of our society, our minds, women must always use caution, present themselves
as a chaste and not be looked upon for their sexual proclivity. Women are to be
the ever clean virgin mothers. Sperm makes them dirty, and the more sperm and
males they have been around, the less value they have as wives and mothers of our
children. We must change the course of
our own thinking.
Every sex
education class in America teaches that when you sleep with someone, you are
sleeping with everyone they slept with. While this could be true, if they have
not used caution and had protected sex, why is it a bad thing in any other form?
Is having a partner who can fulfill your fantasies, needs, and wants a bad
thing?
What if
having many partners was a good thing, and we only benefitted from healthy sex.
What if we could pick and choose a different partner ever night? What if society
placed no heavy handed burden on us to conform and we were sexually liberated,
people weren’t possessions?
Is it so far
removed from the truth to see this? Why can’t you sleep with anyone you
want? Now I know there are boundaries
people don’t want crossed, that would be cheating. But why do we have this notion we own our
partners sex life? Why do we feel we get
to say that they must conform? While this goes for men and women, we are taught
in youth never to question the sexual history of a male, while he is taught to
question ours.
We only have
to turn back and look at religion to see why we are so sexually repressed.
The Sterilization of history
History is
trying to be rewritten by a bunch of sterile minded Christians who want to
label the past as archaic, out of sorts, ungodly. The reality is something we
should pay attention to. There was every type of sex in history, including ones
that would land you in prison today. In the time of Plato many men had their
boy lovers; in the time of the Roman’s and Egyptians orgies took place in the
palaces. Sometimes the orgies lasted for days. Some of the most notorious historical
figures, Cleopatra and Mark Antony, who carried on a love affair, often held
orgies. Caligula, the once Emperor of Rome was said to have such a twisted mind
that he tortured people to death with sex. Engaged in coitis with his sister,
his horse, and forced the senators to prostitute their wives.
Historically,
sex had less and less limitations going backward. It was the onslaught of
Abrahamic religions which altered the future of man and his sexual proclivity.
Even in ancient Egypt sex was not important.
Early history of mankind show sex was not hidden. In Africa many tribes
had sex in the open. Native Americans held sex to be a vital part of life. Romans
had prostitutes, as well as the Greek. Sex was everywhere in history. In Europe
where Neanderthal’s lived in caves, there was no form of privacy. The history
of mankind was sex in the open, a natural part of life. The religious in
America would have you believe that history was painted with virginity, which
is not the case.
One of the
greatest myths that have been recently debunked was the puritans were a very
religious group of people. They were not proud or promiscuous, that they held
morality high, and followed the bible. Perfume bottles found on the sight of the
first colonies, and historical records have changed what we thought we knew
about them. They had premarital sex, and when pregnancy resulted, the girl
would be asked during labor who the father was. This was done because during
pain, the girl was less likely to lie, and the two would be married after. Humans have not deviated from their original
nature, nor will they. Our social sexual nature comes through. As much as we
need to interact with one another to bond as a society, is as much as we need
to interact socially. Why is sex not just seen as another social behavior?
This brings
me to the next myth. The myth of heterosexuality being the default position of
human sexual behavior. .
The Myth of Heterosexuality
We are
raised in a society where people are ignorant to the facts of sexuality, but
one of the worst offenses is the perpetuation of heterosexuality being the
normal, and all other deviations from this norm being abnormal, and choices, and
sick, part of mental illness, and evil. The reality is something they want to
keep most people from knowing. Since the time of the Kama Sutra, an Indian book
not only on sex, but the expectations of sexual behavior on the part of men and
women, man has noted homosexuality. Hinduism is one of the world’s oldest recorded
religions. It gave arise to the Kama sutra. In the book it explicitly talks
about male on male sex. That a master may engage in sex with his slaves, male
or female at will. In fact there was nothing abnormal seen in this action. Native
Americans had a name for homosexuals, they were the warriors of two spirits,
and held as sacred. In Greece, Athens, Egypt, and around the globe
homosexuality arose in every part of the world. The difference was, before Abrahamic
religions, the practice was looked upon as something that just was. Not
something to be called into question.
Science has
since found that heterosexual behavior is not as cut and dry as once thought.
Many young men in boarding schools, like Christopher Hitchens have engaged in
various forms of mutual masturbation, oral sex, or even anal sex.
Many women
in their college years have had lesbian experiences. While society tries to
pretend that we are not exploring sex every chance we get, millions of people
are.
The reality
exists that there are bi-sexual males and females that having blurred sexual
boundaries is highly predominant, and those who are strictly heterosexual are
the rare among us. Humans enjoy sex, and if they were at liberty to explore all
sexual options, without fear of reprisal or judgment, they would likely try
homosexuality once or twice, and might incorporate those acts into their
general sexual behavior.
One thing that
religion has done well is create a hostile myth against sexual exploration. It
has vilified those who are gay, or sexual in any form that is not strictly
hetero, and mundane.
The reality
exists that touch is pleasurable, that we don’t care as much about who is
making us feel good, as long as it feels good and we enjoy it. While there
needs to be attraction to stimulate the primary response, when left to
entertain our desires freely, human beings will try almost anything, except for
the limited few.
Homosexuality,
whether by birth, by choice, or by brain function, is not a crime, a sin,
dirty, wrong, or in any form abnormal. It is simply another expression of love,
a form of sex, and bonding.
The Freedom to be you
There is no label to put on you, no one can
tell you who you should be. Each of us is as different from the next one beside
us. While many of us have similar thoughts and desires, the reality is that we
don’t all want the same thing. Especially when it comes to sex.
There are
many types of sexuality and sexual individuals. From sapiosexual, to,
polysexual, pansexual, and even asexual, homosexual, heterosexual, transsexual,
and transgender. There are different sexual styles Polyandry, polygamy, monogamy,
threesomes, orgies, gang bangs, SMBD. Sex does not come prepackaged, and you
don’t know what you really are looking for until you explore. And sexual
exploration can be adventurous.
It is not
permission for the external world you really need, it is permission form
yourself. We have to be willing to take charge, ask questions, explore, and
make sex part of our lives. An important part of our lives.
Understanding your Sex
Most people think sex and love are
exclusive. They are also living under the delusion that they have perfect
communication, and that their partner would never cheat.
Recently when I asked atheist
questions about their sex, their lives, and their needs, these were the answers
I saw the most.
How important is communication? :
Most people said it is very important, while some answers were quite startling.
I will come back to that.
Is it ever okay to withhold sex to
hurt someone? Most people said no. But a majority of men said it had been done
to them.
I asked if people would end the
relationship if someone cheated on them. The majority said yes. This is where
the tricky part comes in.
Most people believe they have been
communicating openly with their partner, but the results on cheating; open
communication and rejection of sex, along with alienation are high among those
who answered.
This fits well with what we know is
going on in society.
The fact is, people often love their partner, and their partner has said they are not open to certain things, so people cheat. Monogamy is not the spice of life, and it is rare that people can continue to suffer when their needs are not met. One of the biggest culprits is alienation of affection. When people don’t feel loved at home, or that their sexual needs are not being met, they will find a way to meet those needs.
The fact is, people often love their partner, and their partner has said they are not open to certain things, so people cheat. Monogamy is not the spice of life, and it is rare that people can continue to suffer when their needs are not met. One of the biggest culprits is alienation of affection. When people don’t feel loved at home, or that their sexual needs are not being met, they will find a way to meet those needs.
While our community is skeptical of
many things, we have to stop and be skeptical about our sex. When it comes to
sexual fulfillment, we aren’t yet rising above the curve. Atheists are just as
hurt, rejected, and alienated about their sexual health as any group. While we
want to believe that it is not us being cheated on, or living in a loveless
romance, many times it is.
Loving yourself
You might
think that no one needs to tell you how to have sex, what you need, or what is
best for you, but this is your one life, and everything you do, you ultimately
are heading towards that Barn door Hitchens spoke of. So the love you make,
counts. We should be one of the most uninhibited groups of sexual people. While
safe sex is always important, the stereotypes given to us by society about our
bodies need to be shed. No one should care what you do with your body and the
sex you choose. If they do, then make it their problem, and don’t let it become
yours.
Many people
walk the world believing that sex is an easy topic, that it is simple. You find
someone, have some orgasms, maybe fall in love, and then life will be bliss.
This is not true for many people. From problems with honesty in what we need to
negative self-images, to the fact that life gets in the way, we are not having
the sex we need, want or desire desperately.
We over
complicate, over think, shame, blame and deny what our sex could be. Our
society has put a heavy burden on sex. Attaching to it archaic religious
notions backed up by only hearsay and conjecture. Right now, millions of little
children are being taught about their bodies in horrible, negative, and demeaning
ways.
It has led
to teen suicide, sex abuse, and deviant behaviors among the most religious. We
have to rise above that. Our community needs to be sex positive. We need to
accept sexuality as it is, and not try to define it for each other. There
should be no slut shaming, no taboo when it comes to sex. We should be free to
explore all options.
If it is
selfish to want your sexual needs met, then be selfish. I don’t condone
cheating, but I understand why it happens. When a partner is unwilling to
listen, it can be hurtful. Their reasons can be good ones. No one wants to feel
unwanted, by their partner. No one wants to feel like they are not exciting. We don’t want to be rejected or told we no
longer are irresistible in bed. Men and women who catch their spouse cheating
don’t realize, while they are not to blame directly, they may have set the
stage for it to happen. When we define another person’s sex, refuse to hear
about their needs or desires, withhold emotion and forget to be a sexual being
there are consequences. Many people won’t leave toxic relationships because of
the children. When they ask me about it, I often say, the fact you are willing
to remain sexually unhappy, means you are setting your children up to be sexually
unhappy.
Realistically
we may not be all our partners need, or want. Sometimes we find that we need
something more. We find that we need pleasure beyond what we have. We have a
duty to our partners. With that comes the duty to reciprocate sexual favors and
pleasure. Incorporating toys, other people, other forms of sex, or just going
to get what you need may be the answer.
After
tonight do some real introspection about your sex life. The history of your
sex, and see who has been deciding for you. Look deeper into what you need and
want, and try to start the conversation.
Men and
women are different, but not when it comes to sex. Just because women produce
one egg per month does not make them more monogamous than men. It means that
how we express it is different. Men tend to be more sexual, and need it more
often than women. Women are often the ones stuck with the majority of chores in
the home as well as a job. We neglect vital parts of our lives, until life
becomes unbearable. We forget to take care of something that was once very
important to us, and that is love.
Love has
become a vital part of our lives, not only in the form of pair bonding, but in
having a constant mate. Exploring sex may not mean giving up what you have, but
exploring outside of it, or with your partner.
During the
preliminary part of the love experience people go through pair bonding, a
chemical high brought on by the brain. They then enter into the honeymoon phase
where sex is abundant. But after a while the chemicals wear off and suddenly
the dynamics change.
You are beautiful and sexual
Being an
atheist means you can have hot sloppy, guilt free, orgasmic sex. It means that
there should be no conditions put on you that you don’t accept. We are god
free, but not yet guilt free when it comes to sex. Sometimes there is still a
third person or fourth person in bed with us, our conscious. We feel like
people won’t like us, or accept us. That we will be shunned by family and
friends for the sex we are having. But ask yourself, why are they worried?
A body is a
terrible thing to waste worrying what others think of you. You are probably not
a super model, and will never be. Maybe your nose is a little funny, or you
have more curves than you want. Perhaps nature didn’t give you everything you
long for, but you are beautiful. And the good news is if you look hard enough,
you can find someone who enjoys you as much as you need to be.
But don’t
limit yourself to one partner, if it is not your sincere choice. Don’t cage
your sexual expression. Never let someone else define you sexually. Stop being
a stereotype, and forgive people for their needs. Teach your children to accept
people of different sexual and life choices. It is time to put the burden back
on the religious to prove that there is anything wrong with what people are
doing. We need to work on a few things in our community, the first being
cheating. It is a problem, because it means we are still not listening, and
hearing what our partners need. The second thing is not withholding sex because
you are angry and unwilling to let go of an issue. There is a limit of time
that you should be hurt. If your pain and anger surpass that, then perhaps it
is time for counseling. Otherwise what you are doing by purposely withholding
sex is akin to emotional abuse. The third thing we need to do is let ourselves
be sexual. If you are afraid, why are you afraid? If you don’t trust your
partner, why don’t you trust them?
Why should
you not be having explosive orgasms every night, or almost every night? I can’t
believe that it is not high on your to do list. People who are sexually happy
live longer, function better, have better relationships, and overall enjoy
their lives.
Now go out
and orgasm, and let it multiply…..here is to hoping you get all the kinky sex
you ever hoped for.
Does anyone
have questions at this time?
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